So That Went Well...

  So That Went Well…

  UNPUBLISHED LETTERS

  TO

  EDITED BY KATE MOORE

  CONTENTS

  Introduction

  Family trials and tribulations

  A year in politics

  Sporting glory and disaster

  That’s entertainment

  Home thoughts on abroad

  Travel in Britain

  Royal relations

  Use and abuse of language

  Dear Daily Telegraph

  P.S.

  INTRODUCTION

  These are peculiar times. Over the last 12 months, there have been days when events have progressed so quickly that even the most avid observers have struggled to keep up. Red lines have melted away and Cabinet ministers jumped ship with alarming regularity; The Independent Group of rebel MPs assembled, morphed into Change UK and received their first electoral drubbing almost before readers had time to submit their own TIG-ger jokes. On the other hand, the Brexit process and the removal of Theresa May from Downing Street seemed to unfold in ultraslow motion, likened, variously, to a no-fault divorce, continental drift and ejecting a particularly stubborn guest from a party.

  If some readers started getting fidgety, dreaming of a time when they might no longer hear of backstops, unicorns or cans being kicked down roads, others plunged in with their own ideas to break the stalemate, or at least to provide some light relief. Could Noel Edmonds’ expertise on Deal or No Deal be brought to bear? What might the divided Commons learn from the 13th-century struggle to elect a new pope? And how might vegetarians cope with a salad shortage, should tomatoes and courgettes be held at the border after a hard exit?

  There was also, thank goodness, plenty of life beyond Brexit. Come June, Mrs May was on her way out, leaving an overcrowded field of Tory hopefuls to battle for supremacy. The readers responded to tales of MPs’ past misdemeanours with unexpected confessions of their own; speculated as to Boris Johnson’s prospects in a Strictly dance-off for the premiership, and commiserated with Jeremy Hunt as his surname was once again mispronounced by broadcasters. Away from the Westminster circus, they found time to weigh in on subjects ranging from climate change to Marie Kondo and from D-Day to the fire at Notre-Dame, devised elegant solutions to the problem of drones over Gatwick, and celebrated the arrival of another royal baby while pondering whether new parents the Duke and Duchess of Sussex might be fans of Educating Archie. Add to this their perennially entertaining takes on everything from sex to The Archers, the perils of and occasional advantages to getting old, bald, fat or merely cross, and the cautionary tale of the minor celebrity who once tried his luck in a traditional country pub - and you have an alternative view of the year that should, I hope, make sense out of the chaos, and raise a laugh when only laughter will do.

  This is the 11th instalment in the series of hitherto unpublished letters, and my first at the helm. I am grateful to Matt, to the Letters Editor Christopher Howse, to everyone at Quarto and to my predecessor Iain Hollingshead for his wise parting advice. And I am particularly grateful, of course, to the letter-writers themselves, without whose sublime sense of the ridiculous the world would be much the poorer.

  Kate Moore

  London SW1

  FAMILY TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS

  Adventures in Nappy Valley

  SIR - Ant Middleton (of Everest climbing fame) complains that he gets twitchy if he isn’t involved in some exciting and adventurous exploit. May I suggest his next one? Mrs Middleton goes away for ten days to do a course on Latin epigraphy/Greek cuisine/underwater t’ai-chi, leaving him to feed, clothe and occupy their four children. He will be allowed only one trip to McDonald’s and one to A&E and will be filmed 24 hours a day.

  Afterwards, he may feel the need to live on South Georgia for a while.

  Susan M. Walton

  Gateshead, Surrey

  SIR - My son-in-law has just purchased a sterilising kit for our newborn granddaughter. One of the items in the box was described as a “teat tong”.

  I always thought he was a disc jockey.

  Michael Cattell

  Chester

  SIR - Russell Brand is only one of many men with an aversion to changing nappies. A Swiss friend of mine summed up his experience as follows: “I have only changed a nappy on three occasions and hit the jackpot every time.”

  Roger Whiteway

  Kibworth, Leicestershire

  SIR - When my husband was left holding a baby with a dirty nappy, he drove several miles to his ex-wife and persuaded her to change the child. Luckily she was also the baby’s godmother; presidential thinking.

  Caroline Charles-Jones

  Newport, Monmouthshire

  SIR - A study has found that having children will disrupt your sleep “for at least six years”.

  Dream on. It’s more like 26 years, as any parent will testify after lying awake listening for adult offspring to return from a nightclub at three in the morning.

  Richard Cheeseman

  Yateley, Hampshire

  Can’t be too careful

  SIR - Some years ago plastic packaging from a recently purchased item suggested: “to avoid suffocation keep away from children.” So for a long time I did so, only having my two sons when I was well into my forties.

  Good advice.

  Robert Moore

  Bloxham, Oxfordshire

  SIR - I am concerned that the Meccano set I recently bought for my grandson does not have a health warning on the box.

  Surely it should say “may contain nuts”.

  Peter Mulford

  Brentford, Middlesex

  SIR - Apparently the slogan “Approved by mums” on packets of Coco Pops discriminates against fathers. It is to be changed to “Approved by parents”.

  Does this not discriminate against orphans?

  Peter Harper

  Salisbury, Wiltshire

  Years of service

  SIR - When my young man spoke to my dad about marriage, way back in 1960, my dad said: “Boy, you deserve a medal”. The same young man received a long service medal in 2010. Assuming we are still together in 2020, what do I get for him then?

  Ann Barnes

  Beckenham, Kent

  SIR - My wife and I were cast as the back end and front end of the horse respectively in the local pantomime.

  I believe our surname helped us to secure the part.

  John and Mary Dobbin

  Buckingham

  SIR - When my wife and I ran a little B&B some years back we kept a visitors’ book. A lifelong friend came to stay, leaving in our visitors’ book: “Nice lady. Pity about the bloke.”

  We left it in - explaining, if it was seen, the reason behind it.

  Michael Hooper

  Thorley, Hertfordshire

  Accounting for tastes

  SIR - When I, a competent cook, left home at 18, I took a fruit cake, tea, coffee, biscuits and skimmed milk. My sons left with an addition of rice, pasta, tomato puree, seasonings and many tins of baked beans.

  Waitrose suggests a starter kit of vegetable bouillon powder, cider vinegar, organic Italian seasoning, rose harissa and an organic soy sauce.

  The times they are a-changing.

  Sheelagh James

  Lichfield, Staffordshire

  SIR - I am both an avid reader of the cooking section and an exponent of its recipes. However, I do tend to venture off-piste and indulge in experimental cooking of a style inspired by Keith Floyd.

  Having endured a weekend of their father’s cooking, including sausage rolls that could combat coastal erosion and triple-cooked chips that were more hazmat than Heston, my long-suffering sons were positively begging for something ready-prepared from the supermarket.


  Chris Bands

  Farnham, Surrey

  SIR - My late beloved mama, upon marriage becoming the owner of an Aga, measured all cooking according to the yardstick of: “When it’s brown it’s done, and when it’s black, it’s b-----ed.”

  Felicity Foulis Brown

  Bramley, Hampshire

  SIR - My lovely wife, a fabulous cook, died recently, leaving me with over 40 cookery books. I have skimmed through them and chosen one recipe from each to make in her memory whenever I feel ambitious enough. So far I haven’t poisoned anyone - but I still have around 30 more chances.

  Don Webber

  Bembridge, Isle of Wight

  SIR - I have 36 cookery books. My husband says my oven has healed up.

  He is not wrong.

  Diana Whiteside

  Berkhamsted, Hertfordshire

  The excuse that won’t wash

  SIR - Earlier this week, my wife and I went for our flu jabs. The nurse (female) saw us both together. Having explained about possible side-effects, she stated that after receiving the jab ladies should refrain from doing the washing-up for at least 24 hours.

  I have no medical qualifications; can any reader confirm that this is a genuine side-effect?

  George Brown

  Manchester

  SIR - We have been watering the garden with bathwater and “grey” tap water.

  When making my daily cuppa, I noticed a lack of teaspoons. Upon investigation, I found the missing items underneath the rose bushes in the front garden, where my husband had been diligently throwing the washing-up water.

  Debbie Martin

  Princes Risborough, Buckinghamshire

  SIR - My husband and I each do our own laundry ever since the day my husband said: “Darling, you haven’t hung my socks up properly on the airer.”

  I thoroughly recommend it.

  Mary Gorman

  Warrington, Cheshire

  Under covers operation

  SIR - A scientific study has found that on average British married men had a stronger grip than men who were widowed or never married. Could the difference be that married men have to grip the quilt every night, or lose it?

  Bruce Stratton

  Ongar, Essex

  SIR - You report that a woman is suing a bed company for injury sustained when a bed on which she was having sex collapsed.

  When on my honeymoon at a hotel in Corfu in 1972 the iron-framed bed on which I was lying collapsed with a resounding crash. The broken furniture was removed and left in the corridor for the rest of our stay - much to the embarrassment of my wife and I and the amusement of the chambermaids. I never contemplated litigation as I was too ashamed to admit I was only reading The Daily Telegraph at the time of the incident.

  Dr Martin Henry

  Chelmsford, Essex

  Natural selection

  SIR - Research suggests that many women are highly attracted to Alpha males, and particularly so when at their most fertile. However, they also recognise that Alpha males can be egotistical, aggressive or unreliable partners in the long term. Hence the optimum strategy is to secure Alpha gene material via a brief liaison, and then find a Beta male to marry and to raise the offspring.

  I’m not sure this reflects very well on anyone involved, but Nature is driving and we are really just along for the ride.

  Toby Varney

  Wiveliscombe, Somerset

  SIR - Sarah Knapton reports on a new study into how men “strive to learn how things work through their underlying parts”.

  Perhaps they would be better advised to use their brains.

  Paul Machin

  Cheltenham, Gloucestershire

  Women put their feet down

  SIR - When I left university in the early Eighties and began working, my grandmother gave me some invaluable advice on how to deal with unwanted attention. Wear heels and use them. When the individual with wandering hand trouble has difficulty believing his attentions are unwelcome, a well-placed stiletto heel is a very effective way of communicating the fact.

  Alison Crane

  London SW15

  SIR - The actress Kristen Bell has issues with the prince kissing a sleeping Snow White.

  I’m more concerned that Snow White would want to live on her own with seven single men.

  Lintie Gibson

  Melrose, Roxburghshire

  SIR - I am glad that wolf-whistling is not (yet) considered a hate crime. To me it caused much amusement as I walked along a wall in Ireland beside a building site. There were several lots of wolf-whistling, but when I came to a gap in the wall the whistling stopped. I was six months pregnant and the bump had made its appearance.

  Polite builders and no harm.

  Sue Samuelson

  Chipping Campden, Gloucestershire

  SIR - Surely wolf-whistling should be listed as a “love crime”. If the whistlee is distressed by the event, the whistler should be punished by taking her out to a supervised dinner - and he should pick up the tab.

  Michael Bennett

  Godalming, Surrey

  SIR - What it comes down to is this. Any man who grabs a woman by the bum is an inadequate prat. Always has been. Always is. Always will be.

  Peter Wyton

  Gloucester

  Changing of the seasons

  SIR - Though the calendar says it is January, Mother Nature knows better. Is it not time to introduce a leap month to get us back into synchronisation with her?

  Andy Rocks

  Camberley, Surrey

  SIR - When is the start of spring? Is it the Met Office’s 1 March or is it the spring equinox ? In my house it’s the day when my wife allows me to remove the electric blanket from the bed. This year it is today, 27 March. Happy spring.

  John Rowlands

  Harpenden, Hertfordshire

  SIR - I heard my first cuckoo on Puttenham Common in Surrey this morning (15 April). He must have heard the weather forecast for the Easter weekend.

  Sue Gowar

  Elstead, Surrey

  SIR - Are there any more worrying words than a man wandering into the garden saying “I think I might do a bit of strimming”?

  Zanzie Griffin

  Cullompton, Devon

  SIR - A helpful student in Buxton once instantly and spontaneously solved the problem of our iced-up windscreen. It was a successful no-hands action, which involved jumping on the bonnet of the car and adopting a hip-wiggle reminiscent of Elvis Presley in the film Jailhouse Rock. Fortunately for the inspired student, no police were out on the beat that night.

  Geoff Milburn

  Barnard Castle, County Durham

  In love and war

  SIR - With the start of a new month, one is reminded of the traditional “pinch, punch, first of the month”, to which the response would be “a punch and a kick for being so quick”. This was then followed by “a slap in the eye for being so sly”. Does anyone know if there are further couplets, as the whole affair descends into open warfare?

  David Jones

  Canterbury, Kent

  SIR - On 1 November, as the Today programme announced the date, my husband and I both attacked each other.

  I am not badly injured and am happy to report that this tradition still exists in Surrey.

  Shirley Burrill

  Churt, Surrey

  SIR - I always feel sorry for the hopeful Valentine bouquets on display in the supermarkets. If they’re lucky, they will be bought.

  Otherwise their fate, by the end of the week, is to be reduced, and stuffed into a corner in a draught.

  Bunny Plat

  Caernarfon, Gwynedd

  SIR - Given the unstoppable rise of antibiotic-resistant gonorrhoea, it is unfortunate that Shane Watson chose to abbreviate Valentine’s Day to VD.

  Professor Gareth Williams

  Berkeley, Gloucestershire

  Tricksy treats

  SIR - With the volume of treats (mainly sweets) being handed out on Halloween it can’t be long before the
practice is condemned for fuelling the obesity crisis.

  Phillip Wade

  Cheltenham, Gloucestershire

  Earlier every year

  SIR - When I went to the newsagent this morning for my paper, I knew Christmas must be close, because on the counter was an open box of Cadbury’s creme eggs.

  Jeremy Bateman

  Luton, Bedfordshire

  SIR - Is there any more depressing sight than a Christmas gift set in October? Come to that, is there anyone who would be thrilled with a miniature bottle of whisky and two golf balls?

  Patsie Goulding

  Reigate, Surrey

  SIR - Seen in a local store window: “BLACK FRIDAY - ENDS TUESDAY”.

  Janet Kay

  York

  SIR - At my local supermarket, a man in his forties was being pushed in his wheelchair with his carer, and he was singing what sounded like carols at the top of his voice. He lit up the whole aisle with sunshine. So there is something to say for a commercial Christmas.

  I wonder what happened when he got to the Halloween stuff.

  Simon Roff

  Helston, Cornwall

  No really, you shouldn’t have

  SIR - Christmas gift catalogues are arriving in my porch with regularity.

  If you are reading this, Father Christmas, I will not be too disappointed if you forget to bring:

  A singing Frisbee

  Deer deterrent

  Ukulele for beginners

  A build-your-own football stadium

  A plastic dinosaur skull or

  A fart extinguisher.

  Dave Alsop

  Churchdown, Gloucestershire

  SIR - A few years ago I received a Christmas gift from my wife of a small “artisan” sack of porridge accompanied by a hand-turned, polished piece of beech, which, according to the attached label, was a spurtle (a traditional Scottish implement for stirring porridge). I know the Scots are a canny lot, and so I salute their enterprise in being able to part sensible people from their cash for what I can only describe as a stick.